Laughter and Marriage -- Part 2

“Love often begins with a smile, 

but blossoms through laughter.”

Using Laughter in Your Marriage: Part 2

Scratch the “Itch.” The “itch” is when you reach the point in your marriage when you question or even doubt your love for each other. You wonder if they would be happier with someone else; you wonder if they are happy with you; you may even wonder if they are cheating or would cheat. We hit the “itch” after our third child. I was questioning everything. I would ask, “Why don’t you talk to me?” or say, We don’t talk about anything.”

One day I worked myself up wondering about all of this at once. It even spread into an argument. I’d get so upset and frustrated because he wouldn’t share his thoughts or feelings with me. He finally said, “I do, you just don’t listen or pay attention. You’re too busy telling me your feelings”. 

“Hmm. Ok,” I said: “Then tell me something about me, why you married me?”

Well, he could. He knows me better than I know me. I could tell him why I married and love him—which made each of us realize sometimes things seem worse than they are. We wound up sharing stories of each other, our likes and dislikes. We reminisced of times past and looked at what is headed our way. He said, “I’m not crazy enough to have someone else.” Neither am I. 

I thought about what he said—that I didn’t listen or pay attention. I realized that even when we are not speaking we actually are. I would get up and discover he had made coffee for me. I would find special treats like my favorite candy in my purse. He calls me every day just to see how we are doing—tell me every day how pretty I am and how lucky he is to have me. He would take the kids to the park so I could have time to myself. He would say I don’t like this or that so I would be aware of what I bought or made for dinner. 

We were talking about our feelings every day. We would laugh at silly things we did. I’m accident prone, mess is my middle name, and he would laugh and get me laughing. While I cook, I play music, we are always in the kitchen—even the kids wound up dancing and singing in the kitchen. If the “itch” happens again, we’ll scratch it—for one another. 

In-Laws: Dealing with in-laws also calls for humor. We actually get along with each other’s families and love them very much. However, there were times they made their way into our discussions and even arguments. I say “were” because now we know that our parents have the right to say whatever they want, give advice and even spoil our children. We have the right to either listen or not to listen. As adults we can consider opinions; some may be helpful, some not so much. Some may be damaging, but only if we allow it to be. 

We decided to be tolerant of our parents. Respect what they say and consider our options. Ultimately we make the final decisions. They can choose to like it or not. That’s ok. How did we finally arrive at this conclusion? Talking it over. Yes, it involved laughter. I come from a huge, loud family, and both my parents are blind. His family is very small and quiet. 

Our childhood experiences were completely different. However, our families love us and they are supportive in every way, we have/had good strict parents. We honestly can’t argue about our families without laughing. Even when they do something upsetting and discouraging and just downright mean. In the end, it turns into something funny. Personal examples would fill a book—or two. Heck, my stories alone with my family would fill a book trilogy. 

Friends Who Laugh Together: I could tell you countless stories of how we cope through laughter. Our sense of humor at times would seem cruel, even morbid. Bottom line: we know each other well, and we are truly best friends. We NEVER go to bed angry, even if our “discussion” isn’t over or no matter who is sleeping on the couch we always say, “I love you,” we kiss and say goodnight. Every day we say we love each other. Every day we call each other no matter what is going on. 

There isn’t anything he can’t say to me or names he hasn’t called me. Which is humorous. I figure if it’s bad enough for him to call me names, I know I deserve it. HOWEVER the same goes for him. If we are so mad that we can’t discuss, laugh or talk to each other civilly, then we know to back off and cool down. I admit I tend to hold things in until I feel they are resolved to my satisfaction. Some things I realize just have to work themselves out. Others need to be discussed, argued and mulled over.

We have learned to choose our battles wisely. Especially when we started having children. We didn’t have the time or the energy to argue. We find ourselves smiling and laughing more as the years go on. Things that would seem really important early on in marriage are not as detrimental as I once thought. I used to think that communication in a marriage meant you talked about life, politics, news and each other’s feelings all the time. My husband and I are complete opposites and our interests are very different. I don’t need to know every thought he has. Honestly he doesn’t want to know mine. Just being in the same room with each other is enough. 

Don’t get me wrong. Communication in a marriage is very important. You need to discuss issues, feelings, wants, needs, desires and even what you are thinking at times, just not every waking moment. It took years to realize that marriage is more than talking. Know when to shut up and listen. 

Laughter: A Daily Remedy: Making mountains out of molehills is a lot of work. I over analyze everyone — including myself. I worked at finding things wrong and worked harder to make things perfect. NOW? I can only be serious for short periods at a time and he has the roll-off-the-shoulders attitude. We usually wind up laughing or smiling at each other, and then we say. “Ok, so we need to figure this out. What do you think?”

Keep in mind humor can be used daily. We laugh at each other often, we laugh at ourselves more often, and we laugh at our children on a regular basis. We taught our children that through laughter nothing seems as it seems. Laughter is soul cleansing, good for your mind, body and spirit. Laugh. 

Contributed by Lisa Gerard

Lisa Gerard offers core-strengthening sessions daily. Strengthening sessions are non-weight bearing exercises designed specifically for the individual. Each session lasts 30 minutes and the cost is $20/session — consultation and the first session are free. Contact me through Marriage Chaplain for more information: Pastor.2@MarriageChaplain.com or by phone: 513.853.6180.

 

Going Deeper

Marriage Lovers Circle

Become a Master of Love

Create Bliss in Intimate Relationships

Is yours a marriage of lovers or combatants?  Perhaps it is a little of both.  If you prefer combat to bliss in relationships, then the Marriage Lovers Circle is not for you; however, if you would choose bliss and passion and joy in your intimate relationship, then join us.  If you have not yet found “The One”, then please join us.  Become a Master of Love.

Some of the subjects we explore together:

• ·       Don’t Find the Right Person – Become the Right Person
• ·       Your Joy is Your Job, and No One Else’s
• ·       Suffering is Optional
• ·       Relationship is Communication…Sometimes, Non Verbal
• ·       Internal Friendship Prevents Unhealthy Attachment
• ·       Giving Freedom to the Past
• ·       Lying is Alright (in a way)…Because it Points to a Truth
• ·       Right Now…Nothing is Wrong
• ·       How Many Other People Are in Bed With Us?

Marriage Lovers Circle classes are $20 per person, or $35 per couple

Couples Coaching is available at $50 per one hour session.

Contact: Gary Pennington at the Spirit Hospital Alliance for dates and times. (513) 675-6085: email: graymaj@hotmail.com. 

*****

An invitation from Pastor Eastman

Any time you think that some one-on-one conversation might be useful in strengthening your marriage, contact me, Pastor Eastman, at OurChaplain.com / MarriageChaplain.com. We know many counselors and healers who provide great support to couples, and my job is to help you connect with someone who is a good fit to help you move forward in your loving and working relationships. Calling me is best because you will get a quicker response:  513 853 6180, but Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text 513 703 8196 will also work.

 

Laughter and Marriage -- A Match Made in Heaven

“It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time.”

 —Wayne Dyer

In talking with couples about their wedding plans, I often ask them to share with me the qualities that attracted them to one another. One sentiment I hear often is “He/She makes me laugh.” Over time the laughter may fade. In “Part One” of this article by Lisa Gerard, she shares personal examples of how laughter has oiled the wheels of her marriage train.

Using Laughter in Your Marriage: Part 1

     Sounds easy. Knowing when to use laughter is the hard part. When times get tough in a marriage using laughter is just as important as anything else to keep a marriage going. Laughter helps put situations into perspective. Couples that laugh together, live together longer.

Laughter Eases Tension: My husband and I have been together for 24 years, 20 married. We have three children: two daughters now 18 and 16, and a son 14. My husband and I decided to work opposite shifts so that one of us would always be home with the kids. I worked days as a sales agent and later an owner, so my hours were flexible, and he worked second shift.

     Because most things happened after my husband left for work, he felt bad that he would miss “firsts” with the kids,. I decided not to tell him when the kids did anything for the first time. The next day when they repeated whatever their first was with him, I acted excited. After a few of these special occasions, he discovered I already knew. He was upset with me for not telling him and wondered what else he was missing that I didn’t share. Really? I honestly didn’t think I was keeping anything from him, but I guess I was.

     This created a minor disagreement. Which ended shortly after I said I would video tape our entire day and he could watch it when he got home every morning. After a long pause, he laughed. The use of laughter revealed the absurdity of the situation, easing our tensions and bringing a renewed sense of togetherness. 

Laughter Brings Perspective: When things happen that are bad but not devastating, look for the positive. The bad that could have been, didn’t happen, so be grateful and then find the humor.

     Our eldest daughter was learning to drive. It was a beautiful spring day, perfect for running errands. I decided to let our daughter drive my husband’s car — my SUV was bigger and newer. She did a great job all day. We arrived home, and she drove up the driveway to the garage. The door opened, she drove forward and caught the left wheel well quarter panel on the garage doorframe and buckled the quarter panel from the fender to the door. The sound was horrible. She freaked out when she couldn’t open the door, and I imagined the worst.

     I got out and looked at the garage — nothing. I turned around and looked at the car. Wow! The damage to the car was more than I expected. My daughter walked around in a panic, crying uncontrollably. After I calmed myself, I shook my head and said: “Well, at least it didn’t happen on the street. You didn’t hit another car and we had a great day.”

     After a while, I calmed her down, that is, until she told her dad what happened. He was not amused, nor was he calm. Then, he yelled at me because I was with her, and I should have helped her. Instead of getting angry and yelling back at him for yelling at me, I started laughing. He said, “I really don’t see the humor in this.”

     I said, “We have a two-and-a-half car garage. No other car was in the garage. Nothing was in the way, completely clear. For some unknown reason she decides to pull left and had plenty of room. The wheel well sticks out further than either one of us thought. The car is twenty years old. The car door will open, just not all the way, the engine and lights were not touched and most importantly no one was hurt, the accident didn’t happen on the street or with another car.”

     Then he said: “Why didn’t she just move forward.”

     “Because that would have made sense and then the accident wouldn’t have happened, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

     He admitted that he was upset at the damage, but very happy that it wasn’t what it could have been. Then he laughed and said, “Well she is your daughter.”

     To which I quickly reminded him, “Yes, well, it takes two dear.”

     Laughter allowed us to gain perspective. No one was injured, and things could have been worse. She could have been driving my car.

Laughter Transforms: Handling any annoying moment takes patience, tolerance and above all humor. This is where choosing your battles wisely comes into play.

     My husband knows every song from the beginning of time and would often sing them to me. I’m honestly astounded at what he remembers. Some songs he sings to me at inappropriate times. Times that I am not in a good mood and really don’t want to hear him. One morning I was fussing at him for something he obviously did or didn’t do and it put me in a lousy mood even though we were getting ready to go to the ball game. On that too hot day, we parked on the fourth floor of the garage in the middle of town nowhere near the stadium.

     I don’t like elevators, so I refused to go down the elevator and said I was taking the stairs. All of this added to my lousy mood. My husband silently followed me to the stairs. As soon as we set foot in the stairwell he decided to sing to me all the way down the stairs as we passed strangers. I was mortified and wanted to hide. His singing echoed around us, across the street, and all the way to the stadium.

     Did I mention I was in a foul mood? I walked faster but the faster and further I got from him, the louder he sang. He didn’t stop singing until we sat down in our seats. I was so peeved I wouldn’t even look up. When the game finally started, I looked over at him, and as if a switch had been flipped in my brain, I started laughing. He smiled but didn’t say a word. Laughter — and his irritating song — transformed my mood and we had a great time at the game. As I said in the beginning I don’t even remember why I was irritated.

     Oh, and by the way, the song he sang and others chimed in along the way was: “I Love you, Lisa.” 

Laughter and Compromise: Men are born with the gift of selective hearing. I know it’s selective and not actually hearing loss because he hears me when I say I want us to be intimate. Often men choose to use this gift when they are intrigued by television. It doesn’t matter what is going on around them or things that need to get done. If they don’t want to hear it, they choose not to. This can cause huge upheavals in a relationship. The first step is to acknowledge it as a masculine trait, and recognize he can’t help himself. When he uses his selective hearing, don’t get upset but simply understand that it’s part of how he’s wired. Here are two things we did to rectify this problem.

     Selective hearing will happen even in the middle of the night while the baby is crying. He continued to sleep even when I vigorously shook him saying “It’s your turn to get up.” This happened every night and he would not get up. No matter what I did to wake him, smacking him with a book, poking with anything handy, putting the alarm clock on high, not even gentle kisses and sweet talk. Nothing.

     Every day I would say something about it and he would reply “I try, I want to help.” Then later that night, I literally pushed him with my feet out of bed and onto the floor. It was not working. I was tired of trying to get him to help. I didn’t want to resort to more bodily harm so I reasoned with him, and again he would say he would try and that he wanted to help.

     Finally he said, “I’m not a night person, I’m just so tired. Okay.”

     True, he does work evenings and he isn’t a night person. And, he’s a person who needs at least five hours of sleep to function. I, on the other hand, can function on little or no sleep, and I prefer nights. We then agreed on a schedule that fit our situation. After a few weeks he said, “You know, I’m not sore anymore.”

     The second way we agreed to handle his selective hearing was while he was watching television. Instead of pouring water on him, he agreed to limit his watching. We also found things to watch together and as a family. We compromised and agree to watch the occasional game together — as long as he doesn’t sing. This has been working for years now and I can’t complain.

     I can’t over emphasize the importance of compromise in the marriage relationship. At times the way we are accustomed to doing things comes into conflict. Going to war, battling over right and wrong, only works to bring stress and disharmony. Peace can be restored by working out our problems with patience, kindness, and a healthy sense of humor.

Contributed by Lisa Gerard

Lisa Gerard offers core-strengthening sessions daily. Strengthening sessions are non-weight bearing exercises designed specifically per individual. Each session lasts 30 minutes and the cost is $20/session — consultation and the first session are free. Contact Lisa through Marriage Chaplain for more information: Pastor.2@MarriageChaplain.com or by phone: (513) 853-6180

Going Deeper 

Stop Limiting Your Happiness and Success

Discover how to remove the underbrush in your life and maximize your happiness and success in love, career, and life.

A Free Presentation sponsored by Sandy’s Health Foods.

In a fast-paced interactive presentation, Brian Eastman and Lisa Gerard will help you:

• Discover the hidden obstacles keeping you from all the good and happiness you deserve.

• Uncover how much more Good Life you could be having.

• Explore how the LIIFT healing process (Life-Improvement Internal-Focus Technique) can help you quickly remove obstacles which are keeping you from all the good you can have.

• Learn how LIIFT erases the emotional damage of abuse or trauma.

• Remove at least one of the obstacles to your maximum success and happiness in love, career and life.

Where:

Sandy’s Health Foods

7917 Cincinnati-Dayton Rd

West Chester, Ohio 45069

When:

Wednesday March 6, 7PM to 9PM

Space is limited. Please call Sandy to reserve your place. 513 779 3600.

About the Presenters:

Pastor Brian Eastman studied emotional healing processes for 26 years. Then he created the LIIFT healing process. The LIIFT process is fast, simple and changes lives quickly. Most participants experience a positive life-change in just one session. Brian sees LIIFT as the culmination of his life-long calling to make the world a better place by helping people heal their lives.

For more than twenty years Lisa Gerard has helped people improve their lives by providing life coaching and wellness coaching. A 15-year martial arts veteran, she incorporates the spiritual aspect of martial arts training into the guidance and healing aspects of her work. Lisa has experienced the LIIFT process both as healer and client. She incorporates LIIFT into her Life Coach work.

An Invitation from Pastor Eastman

Any time you think that some one-on-one conversation might be useful in strengthening your marriage, contact me. We know many counselors and healers who provide great support to couples, and it is my pleasure to help you connect with someone who is a good fit to help you move forward in your loving and working relationship. Calling me usually gets a quicker response: 513 853 6180, but e-mail: Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text: 513 703 8196 will also work. —Pastor Brian Eastman