My
wife and I are always hoping to find that rarity, a Saturday morning free of
obligations or appointments. We can stay in bed and luxuriate in some cuddling
and catch-up talking. We even engage in the quiet communication of holding
hands while we watch the brightening of the day. We treasure these all-too-seldom
moments.
One
such morning as we watched the sun begin its appearance—and as I pondered
whether to make pancakes for breakfast—my wife broke the companionable silence.
“You
know,” said Phyllis, “it's been several years since we had a weed-pulling
session with a counselor.”
“Oh,
no!” I thought to myself. But I caught myself before saying it aloud. I do have
some sense of self-preservation after all. I replied instead, “You know, I think
you're right.”
And
then with some trepidation I asked, “Why do you mention it?”
In
the April 2013 I STILL DO blog I wrote of the lesson my wife and I had learned
about marital preventive maintenance. I'll quote from that blog to bring you up
to speed:
Both
of us were carrying plenty of scars from our childhoods and past relationships,
so we recognized the need to catch problems before the little sprouts turned
into big spiky weeds. For the first two years we visited a competent therapist
once a month. The next two years we saw her quarterly. By the fifth year we
were down to twice a year. By the tenth year we went only as-needed.
Sometimes while on the way to our
appointment my wife would say to me -- or the other way around—“You know, I'm
not sure we have anything to talk about this time.”
We soon learned, that was when the weeds
had grown the highest. The therapist could see it; we could not. But by the end
of the session, these weeds had been pulled . . . and our marriage was
stronger.
My
wife responded in a way I didn't expect. “Well, it's not that I've got a
problem with you or the marriage. We seem to be doing pretty well.” She went
on. “You know, I find myself wondering if we've gotten lazy or too easy-going
about building the marriage. Are we missing something that needs healed or
fixed, in order for us to be doing even better as husband and wife?”
She
reminded me of previous times, when we had found tall weeds.
So
we went. We found a small weed in our relationship which we gladly pulled and
we planted a small bed of flowers and a fruit tree in its place. Phyllis and I
have been diligently tending to that part of our marriage and the flowers and
fruit are testimony to our success.
We
have chosen to put effort into healing our pasts, now that this damage has
shown itself. The effort is worth it. Phyllis and I are already beginning to
experience new closeness and more opportunities for happy companionship.
What
is the lesson in this?
Phyllis
and I became complacent. We neglected one aspect that is required for a quality
marriage—that of seeking new opportunities for insight and growth together. And
by doing so, we have achieved greater closeness only now, when we could have
begun enjoying it several years ago.
Contributed by Pastor Brian Eastman
Lead Pastor Revelation Spiritual Church
Director MarriageChaplain.com
Founder, LIIFT healing process
*****
Going Deeper
Ah yes,
the cookie-cutter stuff
Jamie
came barging in after school today all in a panic.
“How
am I supposed to do this? It was assigned today and it’s due in two days!”
“Whoa
there, Jamie. Get yourself a glass of milk and there are fresh peanut butter
cookies on the counter. Oh, and please give me a coffee refill. Then we can
talk.”
Jamie
is a (fictional) high school student who drops by occasionally for help with
his writing and literature assignments.
A
glass of milk and five cookies later, Jamie was more calm, and I decided to ask
the question.
“So
what has caused such a disturbance in the force?”
“A
research paper for English class.”
“A
high school occupational hazard,” I said with a smile. “But knowing you, it’s something
to be attacked rather than dealt with.”
“But
this needs to be attacked. It’s ridiculous. Look at this outline requirement.”
I
looked the paper over before touching it, and was relieved to see that it was
merely a cold directive from a false god named Required Curriculum Project.
“And
this is what has you coming unraveled around the edges?”
“Well,
yeah. I mean this is positively deadening.”
“Yup.
And you’ve dealt with this before, quite creatively, as I recall.”
“And
suffered the consequences. But that was junior high and it was kind of fun to
challenge the system. This is about a grade that is going on the transcript
that the colleges I apply to are going to be looking at.”
“True
enough. So what are you going to do?”
“That’s
why I’m here.”
“Let’s
have a look. I see that you have been allowed to select your own topic.”
“Yeah,
but as they say, the devil is in the details. Look at the outline I have to
follow. I’m going to end up writing about stuff I don’t care about, just so I
can get a grade.”
“Jamie,
you know what this is. It’s the cookie-cutter approach to learning. I see from
your sketchy notes that you want to do something with the novels of the
Afghan-American author Khaled Hosseini.”
“Yes,
but this outline is going to kill what I want to do.”
“And
you’re going to just let that happen?”
“What
choice do I have?”
“What
is it that you want to say about Hosseini’s work?”
“His
novels are stories of hope and the courage to endure in the midst of terror and
destruction.”
“So
what are you waiting for?”
“But
this outline that I have to hand in…”
“…
is getting in the way. Write your own outline.”
“I’ve
got to think about that. May I see you tomorrow afternoon?”
“Indeed.
Oatmeal-raisin cookies tomorrow. And bring some words with you when you come.”
Next: Jamie’s faith in himself.
About the Author: John
Overbeck is a writer with a background in journalism and freelance writing, and
a teacher with a quarter of a century of experience. For seven years he taught
at a K-12 school for the gifted, two of those years as a teaching principal. He
can be contacted at: johnoverbeck42@gmail.com.
*****
An invitation from Pastor
Eastman
513 853 6180, but
Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text 513 703 8196513 703 8196 will also work.