If you
don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
-Maya Angelou
Many times our philosophy towards
marriage is, “I love you, honey. You’re perfect just the way you are. Now
change.” The things we once loved about our spouse are now areas of irritation.
Before the marriage we might say that we liked the way our partner took care of
all the little details. After we’ve lived together for some time we might say
that our partner drives us nuts with all the nitpicking, anal behavior he or
she displays.
Should we try to change our
partner or should we learn to live with their behavior? We would do well to
heed Maya Angelou’s advice. If we can change something, then that’s great! But
if we can’t, we still have control over our attitude towards the thing that
bothers us.
Ultimately the only thing we
can control and change is ourselves. If we don’t change ourselves, then we don’t
grow and the relationship doesn’t grow. And if the relationship doesn’t grow, it
will die. Or at the least, it will deteriorate and we will be susceptible to temptation
due to our dissatisfaction of the status quo.
Marriages can be strengthened
and improved even if only one person in the relationship is willing to make the
effort. If one partner does what he or she can to make themselves the most
loving, caring, and sharing individual that they can be, then the other partner
will be influenced by that love. And, both lives will show significant growth.
Notice that we are not—and will
not—promote the idea that one partner should try to improve the other partner. Trying
to change someone into the image you think
they should be rarely if ever works. Change must begin and end with me. But
just as a riverbed is affected by a change in the flow of the water, as we
change the flow of love, the other partner will adjust, change, and be moved by
the improvements we make in our lives.
Change yourself. Change your
world.
Try
to change your partner, and risk the loss of their love.
Contributed by Wayne Holmes
Going Deeper
Jamie Finds His Way
Last month: Our fictional student Jamie has a writing assignment so
rigidly controlled by the teacher’s requirements that it leaves no room for
Jamie’s voice and creativity, for his own intellectual exploration.
Jamie appeared
the next day full of enthusiasm.
“That was fun,”
he said as the first cookie disappeared. “I spent about two hours on this
outline last night, and look what I came up with.”
He handed me a
single sheet of paper, single spaced, 9-point type. I took a few minutes to
look it over. Meantime, three more cookies disappeared along with a glass of
milk. While Jamie refreshed his supply of cookies and milk, I wrote several
marginal comments, among them:
Why the 9-point type?
A good deal of this looks like just what
the teacher asked for.
You included what was important to you
about the book. Good!
Yesterday you were totally upset. Then you
spent two hours doing basically what the teacher wanted, and now you’re happy
with the results of your work. Because…
Jamie looked over
my comments.
“About the
smaller type, I wanted to get it all on a single page, and I wanted it to look
dense. As for the rest, take another look at what I wrote.”
I looked. Saw the
same thing I had the first time. All the points in the teacher’s outline
requirements had been covered. Down toward the bottom was a point that included
the words “hope and the courage to endure.”
“All right,” I
said, “it looks to me as though you are going to give your teacher what she
wants plus a bit extra. Nice strategy.”
“Yeah. That’s
what it looks like. You saw what I wanted you to see. What I didn’t tell you
yesterday is that this outline is going to be graded on its own merit, and this
one has an A or at worst a B+ written all over it.”
“Yes, but…”
“This outline
says what I’m going to do, not how I’m going to do it.”
“So I ‘saw what I
wanted to see,’ and presumably your teacher will do the same,” I mused.
“If you didn’t
catch it, she won’t. I’ll cover all the ‘required stuff’ in a couple of
paragraphs early in the paper, and cover it in such a way that I lead smoothly
and naturally into what I really want to write about – hope and the courage to
endure.”
“And you think
you can write well enough to sell this?”
“You’re the one who
taught me to write.”
“Touché!”
I took a short
timeout to sip my coffee, munch on my cookie, and digest the sudden realization
that the Jamie of the Quixotic battle with a junior high teacher over a Tom Sawyer book report was not the Jamie
sitting next to me. He had grown in maturity and skill.
Jamie had, in my terms, found the “third alternative.” And
that’s a story for next time.
About the Author: John Overbeck is a
writer with a background in journalism and freelance writing, and a teacher
with a quarter of a century of experience. For seven years he taught at a K-12
school for the gifted, two of those years as a teaching principal. He can be
contacted at: johnoverbeck42@gmail.com.
An invitation from Pastor Eastman
Any time you think that some one-on-one conversation might be useful in
strengthening your marriage, contact me, Pastor Eastman, at OurChaplain.com /
MarriageChaplain.com. We know many counselors and healers who provide great
support to couples, and my job is to help you connect with someone who is a
good fit to help you move forward in your loving and working relationships.
Calling me is best because you will get a quicker response: 513 853 6180
513 853 6180, but
Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text 513 703 8196513 703 8196 will also work.
513 853 6180, but
Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text 513 703 8196513 703 8196 will also work.
