Communication in a Marriage

“Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.”

—Mark Twain

Communication in a marriage is essential to a lasting relationship. Most people think that the telling of each other’s feelings is what communication in a marriage is all about. Well, I’m here to tell you it is not. The “feelings” happen before the marriage. The dreams, plans of what will be, and getting to know each other happens before the wedding day.

Continuing communication of what is happening every day is a challenge to most. It’s like my husband told me early on in our marriage when I asked him why he didn’t share his feelings with me anymore. He said, “I did—do—I married you. I tell you every day how much I love you and what you mean to me. Sometimes you just don’t listen or even notice.”

He asked me why I asked him that.

“Well,” I said, “it’s because we used to talk about our feelings and future plans all the time. I don’t think we communicate enough.”

He laughed. His response was, “Really?” He walked away telling me to think about it.

I felt like he was brushing me off. I went for a walk, a little frustrated. It would be nice to hear how he feels. It would be nice once in a while for him to initiate the conversation about what he thinks or how his day went. When I came back from my walk, I was ready to explain why I needed to hear it, that I wanted him to talk about his day, how he feels about the things that are happening, and so on.

I walked up the driveway into the back yard where he was sitting on the deck. He asked me to join him. He put down the book he was reading and said, “Every day I tell you I love you, that I think you are beautiful, and how lucky I feel to have you in my life. I tell you when I call that I can’t wait to be home with you. That it’s hectic here and I just can’t wait to be home. I tell you that you are a great mom and I’m proud of your accomplishments. You don’t listen to me. I know you love me by what you say and by the things you do for me and for our family. You hear me, but you don’t listen.”

Without saying, “you’re right dear,”  I smiled, nodded and said thank you. He went back to his reading, and I went into the house.

I got caught up in what I thought communication meant. It’s not like when we were dating. We talked about everything: our dreams, the past, different stories, our jobs, what we wanted, and what we planned for the future. We became best friends, and we came to the conclusion that we wanted the same things.

Jeff and I have been together for twenty-four years, twenty married. We have three beautiful children that are now almost grown. Our communication has not stopped; we have actually reached the point where we just know. We never go to bed without saying we love each other. Even our disagreements are a form of communication. It’s what and how often you disagree or argue that should raise concern.

What do we talk about? Other than children and bills, we talk about whatever is happening or has happened. We talk about future travels, what-ifs and if-onlys, life, books, movies, shows, growing old, friends, friends’ children, food, family members, you know, just stuff. Sometimes we sit in the same room for hours without saying a word. It’s a mutual feeling that quiet time is good.

We can walk quietly holding hands. You know what? That’s ok. There are several ways to communicate. Find a way to communicate with each other, a way that works for your relationship. If you feel the need to be reassured, then you’re either not paying attention or the communication has stopped.

Communication is essential. Just remember it’s not always what you say, sometimes it’s the way you say it.

Laugh often!

Contributed by Lisa Gerard

Lisa Gerard offers core-strengthening sessions daily. Strengthening sessions are non-weight bearing exercises designed specifically for the individual. Call for pricing. Contact Lisa through Marriage Chaplain for more information: Pastor.2@MarriageChaplain.com or by phone: 513.853.6180.

Going Deeper

Problem Prevention / Problem Eradication in Blended Families

“Before we married, his kids and mine seemed to get along fine. So did my husband and I when we talked about how to raise them,” she said to me over the phone.

“Now his kids squabble with mine. And they often refuse to listen to me or accept my discipline. And I know my kids do the same to him,” she continued. “He and I are at our wits' end. We can't even agree between ourselves what to do with the kids! I'm starting to be afraid that getting married was a mistake.

“I don't know what to do… ” she repeated as her voice trailed off into a troubled silence.

I responded, in a gentle voice.

“You know, you are not alone. It is quite common for blended families to go through an adjustment period. And you are getting those issues on top of all the stresses every set of parents encounters while raising children. So please don't feel defeated or hopeless. Most of the time a little outside support and information can get you past the difficult part of moving into marriage.

“It just happens I know a secret weapon which is designed just for blended families. It works well for blended families like yours, which are struggling to find a new working model,” I said. “This secret weapon actually has a phone number to call, so you can put it to use so your kids and you and your husband can get past this trouble spot. Just call 513 231 6630.”

Because this mother lives in Southwest Ohio, I was telling her to call Beech Acres Parenting Center.  Beech Acres offers a wealth of support for parents, their kids, and kids-and-parents together. Their goal, as I understand it, is to strengthen marriages and strengthen families. Abbreviated from their web site, here are some of the types of programs they offer:

–   Programs to strengthen relationships and marriages

–   Training classes to help parents

–   Parent coaching

–   Private counseling for parents and for children

–   Training and support for first-time mothers

–   Mediation Services between child and parents

–   and many more.

Beech Acres also provides this support to any family which is seeking skills and knowledge to improve the family experience and help their children experience a happier life.

Their website is www.BeechAcres.org. The phone, again, is 513 321 6630.

If you live in another area, you might check with Beech Acres for a referral to an organization in your area.

What happened to the distraught mom? She called recently to tell me that their kids are in a therapy group with children from other blended families. I gather they can talk about their feelings, and also learn some better ways to participate in a family. Mom and dad have attended parenting workshops and are also seeing someone to help them strengthen their marriage. She says that, even after the few sessions everyone has had so far, the family situation has really improved.

Visit Beech Acres on the web at http://www.beechacres.org/ or give them a call at (513) 231-6630.

A general invitation from Pastor Eastman

Any time you think that some one-on-one conversation might be useful in strengthening your marriage, contact me. We know many counselors and healers who provide great support to couples, and it is my pleasure to help you connect with someone who is a good fit to help you move forward in your loving and working relationship. Calling me usually gets a quicker response: 513 853 6180, but e-mail: Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text: 513 703 8196 will also work. —Pastor Brian Eastman

Independent Dependence: Two Becoming One

“Having someone to lean on is nice. Knowing you can stand on your own is nicer.”

The expression “…the two will become one flesh” taken from the Bible never meant that personal identities are lost. In fact the word “flesh” is a key to understanding the verse. I looked at twenty different translations of the passage and all but three use the word “flesh.” It doesn’t say they are necessarily one in thoughts, actions, personalities, beliefs, or judgments. In fact, it sounds like a quite literal event as in the consummation of the marriage.

There is, of course, a strong case to be made for the union of these other elements, thought, actions, personalities, and so on, but plenty has been written on that subject. If anything, not enough has been said about the concept of remaining independent within your relational dependence. 

I have heard it said, “Once a man no longer needs you, he’ll leave.” (It also could have been said the other way, “Once a woman no longer needs her husband, she’ll leave.” Sadly, in some circumstances that could be too close to the truth. But, these are unhealthy relationships. In a healthy union each is independent of the other in most ways, dependent in a few—but not to the point that survival without the other would not be feasible. 

In my personal experience, I went from living with my mom and dad to living with a roommate at college, and then into a marriage. I never lived independent of someone else until after my divorce. I was in for a rude awakening and many believed I couldn’t make it on my own. 

Not only did I survive on my own, I thrived. Not right away, but in time I learned to enjoy the freedom of solitude. Eventually I married again, but the second time I brought an independence to the relationship in which I didn’t “need” my wife—I had learned quite well how to take care of myself—but I “wanted” her. She, in turn, had been alone for several years, was quite independent, and was looking for someone who wasn’t needy.

How do we maintain independent dependence in a marital/relational situation? Of course, I strongly believe in compromise, but when trying to maintain independence, the compromise is helped by yielding certain things. For instance, before I met my wife she developed a healthy network of friends—mostly women, but not all—and it was important to her to maintain those relationships.

I recognized the value, and had no problem with it except with men she had dated in the past. When sheis out late with her girlfriends, and I’m home alone, I remind myself of the years I spent alone and how I enjoyed the solitude. I relax and find healthy ways to occupy my time, even if it’s simply watching television.

When she returns home, I show interest in her by asking about her evening. Initially, she reacted negatively to my questions until I assured her I was not interrogating her, just trying to let her know I care about her and I am interested in the things that interest her. My wife gives me the same freedom and respect. 

The belief that opposites attract is a myth. The truth is, it is our similarities more than our differences that attract us to one another. But, over time, our differences can be blown out of proportion until that seems to be the focus of the relationship. If we allow that to happen, the relationship is headed in the wrong direction. Think of opposites—beliefs, thoughts, actions, personalities, judgments—as an individual’s independence shouting to be heard. 

We don’t want to be so consumed by the other person that we lose who we are. And, it would be a mistake to insist the other person conform to our way of thinking, our way of doing things, and own belief system.

Initially, marriage may have brought two needy persons together who gained great strength and courage in their union. Their joining together to become one flesh worked out to the advantage of both. Over time, however, if they want their relationship to grow, one key element is to allow each individual to grow separately as they grow together until you reach a point where you no longer need each other, but you still want one another. You can, and should, strive for independent dependence.

Contributed by Wayne Holmes

Going Deeper

Core Exercises = Stress Release By Lisa Gerard

Exercising is not only for the body but for the mind as well. Your brain benefits from being fit. With your mind and body releasing endorphins as you exercise, which is a natural feel good chemical, you rid the stress that builds up throughout the day. Ultimately giving you the benefit of thinking more clearly and feeling better energized to handle what is causing you stress. A great way for couples to exercise together is going for a walk. Couples that exercise together work together in solving issues. When my husband and I go walking we help each other with problems, issues or concerns. We help each other by listening and sometimes offering advice. I also take walks with my children, even now as they enter adult hood it is easier to bring up conversations that may otherwise be awkward or problems they may be holding in. 

Exercise improves confidence and releases stress which leads to improved relationships mentally and physically. Laughter is an exercise most people often forget about. Laughter exercises your core muscles as it does your mind and spirit. Don’t take things so seriously, most issues work themselves out and the rest will in time. Stand back take a look, breathe and smile. It will all work out. Problems are only problems when we make it a problem and keep it that way. Problems can be easily solved when we have a clear perspective. Exercise, breathe deeply and laugh more often!

Note: If you’re interested in Lisa Gerard’s Core Strengthening you can contact her at 513-708-0563 to set up time and location. Many locations available. Pricing is $25/45min of individual training.

A general invitation from Pastor Eastman

Any time you think that some one-on-one conversation might be useful in strengthening your marriage, contact me. We know many counselors and healers who provide great support to couples, and it is my pleasure to help you connect with someone who is a good fit to help you move forward in your loving and working relationship. Calling me usually gets a quicker response: 513 853 6180, but e-mail: Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text: 513 703 8196 will also work. —Pastor Brian Eastman