Thursday, April 3, 2014

Now Change



If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
-Maya Angelou

      Many times our philosophy towards marriage is, “I love you, honey. You’re perfect just the way you are. Now change.” The things we once loved about our spouse are now areas of irritation. Before the marriage we might say that we liked the way our partner took care of all the little details. After we’ve lived together for some time we might say that our partner drives us nuts with all the nitpicking, anal behavior he or she displays.
      Should we try to change our partner or should we learn to live with their behavior? We would do well to heed Maya Angelou’s advice. If we can change something, then that’s great! But if we can’t, we still have control over our attitude towards the thing that bothers us.
      Ultimately the only thing we can control and change is ourselves. If we don’t change ourselves, then we don’t grow and the relationship doesn’t grow. And if the relationship doesn’t grow, it will die. Or at the least, it will deteriorate and we will be susceptible to temptation due to our dissatisfaction of the status quo.
      Marriages can be strengthened and improved even if only one person in the relationship is willing to make the effort. If one partner does what he or she can to make themselves the most loving, caring, and sharing individual that they can be, then the other partner will be influenced by that love. And, both lives will show significant growth.
      Notice that we are not—and will not—promote the idea that one partner should try to improve the other partner. Trying to change someone into the image you think they should be rarely if ever works. Change must begin and end with me. But just as a riverbed is affected by a change in the flow of the water, as we change the flow of love, the other partner will adjust, change, and be moved by the improvements we make in our lives.
      Change yourself. Change your world.
      Try to change your partner, and risk the loss of their love.

 Contributed by Wayne Holmes


Going Deeper
Jamie Finds His Way
Last month: Our fictional student Jamie has a writing assignment so rigidly controlled by the teacher’s requirements that it leaves no room for Jamie’s voice and creativity, for his own intellectual exploration.

      Jamie appeared the next day full of enthusiasm.
      “That was fun,” he said as the first cookie disappeared. “I spent about two hours on this outline last night, and look what I came up with.”
      He handed me a single sheet of paper, single spaced, 9-point type. I took a few minutes to look it over. Meantime, three more cookies disappeared along with a glass of milk. While Jamie refreshed his supply of cookies and milk, I wrote several marginal comments, among them:
      Why the 9-point type?
      A good deal of this looks like just what the teacher asked for.
      You included what was important to you about the book. Good!
      Yesterday you were totally upset. Then you spent two hours doing basically what the teacher wanted, and now you’re happy with the results of your work. Because…  
      Jamie looked over my comments.
      “About the smaller type, I wanted to get it all on a single page, and I wanted it to look dense. As for the rest, take another look at what I wrote.”
      I looked. Saw the same thing I had the first time. All the points in the teacher’s outline requirements had been covered. Down toward the bottom was a point that included the words “hope and the courage to endure.”
      “All right,” I said, “it looks to me as though you are going to give your teacher what she wants plus a bit extra. Nice strategy.”
      “Yeah. That’s what it looks like. You saw what I wanted you to see. What I didn’t tell you yesterday is that this outline is going to be graded on its own merit, and this one has an A or at worst a B+ written all over it.”
      “Yes, but…”
      “This outline says what I’m going to do, not how I’m going to do it.”
      “So I ‘saw what I wanted to see,’ and presumably your teacher will do the same,” I mused.
      “If you didn’t catch it, she won’t. I’ll cover all the ‘required stuff’ in a couple of paragraphs early in the paper, and cover it in such a way that I lead smoothly and naturally into what I really want to write about – hope and the courage to endure.”
      “And you think you can write well enough to sell this?”
      “You’re the one who taught me to write.”
      “Touché!”
      I took a short timeout to sip my coffee, munch on my cookie, and digest the sudden realization that the Jamie of the Quixotic battle with a junior high teacher over a Tom Sawyer book report was not the Jamie sitting next to me. He had grown in maturity and skill.
Jamie had, in my terms, found the “third alternative.” And that’s a story for next time.


About the Author: John Overbeck is a writer with a background in journalism and freelance writing, and a teacher with a quarter of a century of experience. For seven years he taught at a K-12 school for the gifted, two of those years as a teaching principal. He can be contacted at: johnoverbeck42@gmail.com.



An invitation from Pastor Eastman

Any time you think that some one-on-one conversation might be useful in strengthening your marriage, contact me, Pastor Eastman, at OurChaplain.com / MarriageChaplain.com. We know many counselors and healers who provide great support to couples, and my job is to help you connect with someone who is a good fit to help you move forward in your loving and working relationships. Calling me is best because you will get a quicker response: 513 853 6180513 853 6180, but Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text 513 703 8196513 703 8196 will also work.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Still Pulling the Weeds in Our Marriage, Part 2


      My wife and I are always hoping to find that rarity, a Saturday morning free of obligations or appointments. We can stay in bed and luxuriate in some cuddling and catch-up talking. We even engage in the quiet communication of holding hands while we watch the brightening of the day. We treasure these all-too-seldom moments.
      One such morning as we watched the sun begin its appearance—and as I pondered whether to make pancakes for breakfast—my wife broke the companionable silence.
      “You know,” said Phyllis, “it's been several years since we had a weed-pulling session with a counselor.”
      “Oh, no!” I thought to myself. But I caught myself before saying it aloud. I do have some sense of self-preservation after all. I replied instead, “You know, I think you're right.”
      And then with some trepidation I asked, “Why do you mention it?”

      But – first let me give you the backstory.
      In the April 2013 I STILL DO blog I wrote of the lesson my wife and I had learned about marital preventive maintenance. I'll quote from that blog to bring you up to speed:
       Both of us were carrying plenty of scars from our childhoods and past relationships, so we recognized the need to catch problems before the little sprouts turned into big spiky weeds. For the first two years we visited a competent therapist once a month. The next two years we saw her quarterly. By the fifth year we were down to twice a year. By the tenth year we went only as-needed.
      Sometimes while on the way to our appointment my wife would say to me -- or the other way around—“You know, I'm not sure we have anything to talk about this time.”
      We soon learned, that was when the weeds had grown the highest. The therapist could see it; we could not. But by the end of the session, these weeds had been pulled . . . and our marriage was stronger.

      My wife responded in a way I didn't expect. “Well, it's not that I've got a problem with you or the marriage. We seem to be doing pretty well.” She went on. “You know, I find myself wondering if we've gotten lazy or too easy-going about building the marriage. Are we missing something that needs healed or fixed, in order for us to be doing even better as husband and wife?”
      She reminded me of previous times, when we had found tall weeds.
      So we went. We found a small weed in our relationship which we gladly pulled and we planted a small bed of flowers and a fruit tree in its place. Phyllis and I have been diligently tending to that part of our marriage and the flowers and fruit are testimony to our success.
      Then this January Phyllis and I had another session. It was good we had gone. We uncovered an underground low-level unease we each had about being truly close to the other. Each of us has been (on a non-conscious level) holding somewhat apart from our partner, the result of heretofore invisible scar tissue from injuries inflicted on each of us when we were toddlers. As a direct result of this damage, Phyllis and I now realize that we have had to work extra hard to create the quality marriage we have.
      We have chosen to put effort into healing our pasts, now that this damage has shown itself. The effort is worth it. Phyllis and I are already beginning to experience new closeness and more opportunities for happy companionship.

What is the lesson in this?
      Phyllis and I became complacent. We neglected one aspect that is required for a quality marriage—that of seeking new opportunities for insight and growth together. And by doing so, we have achieved greater closeness only now, when we could have begun enjoying it several years ago.
      Wherever you are in your walk together with your partner, chances are you have some weeds needing pulled too. If you don't already have a counselor you feel good about talking to, I will be glad to give you names of people I feel good about suggesting. Just give me a call – 513 853 6180513 853 6180 – or email me at brian.eastman@LIIFT.info.
          Contributed by Pastor Brian Eastman
             Lead Pastor Revelation Spiritual Church
             Director MarriageChaplain.com
             Founder, LIIFT healing process

*****

Going Deeper
Ah yes, the cookie-cutter stuff


      Jamie came barging in after school today all in a panic.
      “How am I supposed to do this? It was assigned today and it’s due in two days!”
      “Whoa there, Jamie. Get yourself a glass of milk and there are fresh peanut butter cookies on the counter. Oh, and please give me a coffee refill. Then we can talk.”
      Jamie is a (fictional) high school student who drops by occasionally for help with his writing and literature assignments.
      A glass of milk and five cookies later, Jamie was more calm, and I decided to ask the question.
      “So what has caused such a disturbance in the force?”
      “A research paper for English class.”
      “A high school occupational hazard,” I said with a smile. “But knowing you, it’s something to be attacked rather than dealt with.”
      “But this needs to be attacked. It’s ridiculous. Look at this outline requirement.”
      Jamie pushed a single sheet of paper across the table to me. The way he handled the paper gave me pause. Was this a white-hot missive from the devil’s workshop?
      I looked the paper over before touching it, and was relieved to see that it was merely a cold directive from a false god named Required Curriculum Project.
      “And this is what has you coming unraveled around the edges?”
      “Well, yeah. I mean this is positively deadening.”
      “Yup. And you’ve dealt with this before, quite creatively, as I recall.”
      “And suffered the consequences. But that was junior high and it was kind of fun to challenge the system. This is about a grade that is going on the transcript that the colleges I apply to are going to be looking at.”
      “True enough. So what are you going to do?”
      “That’s why I’m here.”
      “Let’s have a look. I see that you have been allowed to select your own topic.”
      “Yeah, but as they say, the devil is in the details. Look at the outline I have to follow. I’m going to end up writing about stuff I don’t care about, just so I can get a grade.”
      “Jamie, you know what this is. It’s the cookie-cutter approach to learning. I see from your sketchy notes that you want to do something with the novels of the Afghan-American author Khaled Hosseini.”
      “Yes, but this outline is going to kill what I want to do.”
      “And you’re going to just let that happen?”
      “What choice do I have?”
      “What is it that you want to say about Hosseini’s work?”
      “His novels are stories of hope and the courage to endure in the midst of terror and destruction.”
      “So what are you waiting for?”
      “But this outline that I have to hand in…”
      “… is getting in the way. Write your own outline.”
      “I’ve got to think about that. May I see you tomorrow afternoon?”
      “Indeed. Oatmeal-raisin cookies tomorrow. And bring some words with you when you come.”
 

Next: Jamie’s faith in himself.

About the Author: John Overbeck is a writer with a background in journalism and freelance writing, and a teacher with a quarter of a century of experience. For seven years he taught at a K-12 school for the gifted, two of those years as a teaching principal. He can be contacted at: johnoverbeck42@gmail.com.

*****

An invitation from Pastor Eastman

    Any time you think that some one-on-one conversation might be useful in strengthening your marriage, contact me, Pastor Eastman, at OurChaplain.com / MarriageChaplain.com. We know many counselors and healers who provide great support to couples, and my job is to help you connect with someone who is a good fit to help you move forward in your loving and working relationships. Calling me is best because you will get a quicker response: 513 853 6180513 853 6180, but Pastor@OurChaplain.com or text 513 703 8196513 703 8196 will also work.